


A Bird in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush

by eiluned



Category: Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Anal Sex, Clone Sex, Double Penetration, Enthusiastic Consent, F/M, Humor, M/M, Making Out, Masturbation, Multi, Oral Sex, Rimming, Sex, Threesome - F/M/M, is having sex with your clone incest or masturbation?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-31
Updated: 2012-10-31
Packaged: 2017-11-17 11:34:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/551112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eiluned/pseuds/eiluned
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There’s an accident in the lab, and it really works out in Natasha’s favor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Bird in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Kink Bingo 2012, Round 5 [Mirrors/Doubles / Double Penetration]
> 
> I am so, so sorry about that title. Thanks to Amanda and SidheRa for the beta reads and the awesome suggestions. And as always, feedback makes my day, so please leave it if you’re so inclined!

"Miss Romanoff? I am terribly sorry to disturb you, but there appears to have been an incident in Dr. Banner's laboratory."

Natasha sat straight up in the bathtub, her initial annoyance at being interrupted by Stark's AI disappearing in a flash. "What happened?" she asked, snagging her towel and hauling herself out of the water; the bathtubs in Stark Tower were like miniature swimming pools, and when you were tired from training recruits who didn't know their asses from holes in the ground, the tubs were just a little difficult to climb out of. "Is everyone all right?"

"In a manner of speaking," JARVIS replied in that obnoxiously cryptic way of his. "Misters Barton are waiting for you in your living area. I thought I should warn you."

She was in the middle of swiping cherry blossom-scented bubbles off of her legs when those words actually filtered into her brain. "'Misters?'" she repeated.

JARVIS apparently thought it would be better for her to see what the hell he was talking about, because he didn't answer, just let her walk out into the living room wrapped up in a towel to find two Clints glaring at each other, arms identically crossed and brows identically furrowed.

"Nat!" they both said at exactly the same moment, which was apparently cause for another glaring match.

She sat down flat on her ass on the floor. Really, what else could she be expected to do?

"What the fuck is going on?" she asked a little faintly.

"Dipshit," said Clint-on-the-right, jerking his thumb at Clint-on-the-left, "Wandered into the Do Not Go Here Zone in Bruce's lab."

"HEY!" said Clint-on-the-left. "YOU were the one who wandered in there when Bruce was telling you to get out, asshole. Don't blame me for your cock-up."

They descended into bickering, which Natasha presumed was why they were on her floor and not still in Banner's lab. "JARVIS?" she said over their argument.

"Yes, Miss Romanoff?"

"Can you call up Bruce for me? I have a few things I'd like to say to him."

"Right away."

A couple of seconds later, Bruce's voice came over the intercom, the auditory equivalent of a dog cowering in fear of retribution for taking a dump on the carpet. "Hi, Natasha," he said.

"Hello, Bruce," she replied. "I was just wondering if you could tell me what the fucking fuck is going on here, and why there are two Bartons about to have a slap fight in my living room. If you'd be so kind."

"Well, there was an accident," he said sheepishly.

"Interestingly enough, I figured out that part," she said. "I'm guessing it's with that matter duplicator you've been working on--"

"It's like the thing from Calvin and Hobbes," one of the Clints chimed in. "Except it isn't a cardboard box."

"Jesus, is my sense of humor really that bad?" the other Clint said, and they were off into another argument.

"--and somehow genius here wandered into the wrong place at the wrong time," Natasha finished as if she hadn't been interrupted by her partner and his... clone?

"Yeah, that's pretty much exactly what happened," Bruce said. "He also managed to duplicate a ham sandwich, which is pretty cool."

"The reason I'm calling," she plowed on, "Is to find out why they are in my living room and not in your lab, getting fixed."

Everyone was quiet for a moment, waiting for Bruce's answer on that one. "Well," he finally said. "Tony and I are working on a solution. But they kept fighting, and... well, we needed some quiet."

"And I'm supposed to babysit them."

"Hey!" Clint-on-the-left said indignantly. "I'm a grown-ass man. I don't need a babysitter."

"Yes, yes," Bruce said impatiently. "But you were driving me crazy, and I thought it best to get you out of my hair before the Other Guy decides that he doesn't like you. Uh, the two of you. Whatever. Natasha, I'm sorry, but can you please keep them in one spot for a few hours? Tony and I think we're getting a handle on what happened, but we need some peace and quiet, and we need to be sure we don't lose one of them."

Natasha put her head between her knees because she was pretty sure she was going to pass out at the sheer weirdness of the situation. Both Clints immediately darted over to her, fussing like a couple of mother hens. "Jesus Christ, I'm fine!" she hissed as they started to bicker over who got to comfort her first. "Okay, Banner, whatever. I'll watch them. But hurry the fuck up, all right? This is weirding me out."

"We're sciencing as fast as we can, Romanoff. In the meantime, try to keep them entertained," Stark's voice said, and she could just picture the smirk on that bastard's face.

And then his words sank in, and she found herself faced with two identical, evil grins on two Clints' handsome faces.

"JARVIS, end the call," she said. "And please don't let them call back unless they're going to tell me they've figured out how to fix this."

"Understood, Miss Romanoff."

"Also, save all recordings from my floor to my private server for the next hour or two."

Luckily JARVIS was Stark-tech through and through--thoroughly accustomed to debauchery. "I will keep the recordings away from prying eyes, Miss Romanoff."

"Thank you."

Clint-on-the-left sprawled back onto the floor, giving her a rakish sort of look. "You thinking what I'm thinking?" he said.

Clint-on-the-right shrugged with one shoulder. "Wonder if we think the same thing at the same time?" he wondered. "Because I'm pretty sure I know what you're... I'm? Whatever, what we're thinking."

"What makes you think she wants to have sex with you?" Clint-on-the-left said with a sneer.

"Yeah, and what makes you think she wants you?" Clint-on-the-right retorted. "You're the dumbass who got us cloned in the first place."

"Hey, screw you, buddy," Clint-on-the-left said.

And quite suddenly, they were making out.

Later, when Natasha tried to figure out exactly how they had made the leap from arguing to shoving tongues down each other's throats, she still couldn't pinpoint the moment when Clint suddenly realized that he could fulfill a lifelong dream and actually have sex with himself.

Natasha had seen some seriously weird shit in her tenure as an Avenger, what with the aliens and the Doombots and the guy that was basically a giant head and all that crap. Watching her lover kiss himself topped that list, but it was a strange sort of weird. The sort that turns you on intensely, but that you don't tell anybody about afterward because they’d look at you funny for the rest of your life.

She briefly thought about going to get her vibrator, but that would mean she'd have to miss about thirty seconds of the show, and that was absolutely unacceptable. They were both up on their knees, pressing identical bodies together, moaning identical moans, big hands roaming over faces and chests and backs, and while it was weird as hell, it was also one of the sexiest things she had ever seen.

Biting her lip, she leaned back onto her elbows, letting the towel slip off of her body to puddle on the rug underneath her, and she slid her hand down her stomach, dipping between her thighs. One Clint's hands drifted down to grab the other Clint's ass, pulling their hips together, hard bodies grinding against each other, and god, Natasha was soaking wet already.

Hands started to slip underneath clothes, t-shirts were tugged over heads, jeans unzipped and hard cocks rubbing together, and Natasha came with a ragged gasp, squeezing her thighs together.

The Clints broke apart, both panting and a little glassy-eyed, and they turned identical predatory grins on her. "Mm, I'll bet you're wet right now," Clint-on-the-right rumbled, sliding his big hand down to wrap around both of their cocks.

Clint-on-the-left groaned, jerking a little into his double's grasp. "Did we get you wet, baby?" he purred, gripping the back of the other Clint's neck. "You wet for us?"

"Oh Jesus, this is so weird," Natasha moaned, her head falling back.

"C'mon, fingerfuck yourself, Tasha," one of the Clints (she didn't see which) said.

"If you do a good job, maybe we'll take turns eating your pussy," said the other one.

"Oh god, now I have two domineering assholes to put up with," she laughed, spreading her labia apart and dipping her fingers into the wetness there.

"Too hot for you to handle?"

"I think I'm up to the challenge," she replied and pushed two fingers into her cunt.

It didn't take much fingerfucking before the Clints lost their resolve to just watch and ended up crawling over to her. Clint 1 grabbed her wrist, tugging her fingers free, and sucked them into his mouth while Clint 2 went straight for the main attraction, burying his face between her legs.

Clint 2 wasn't fucking around; he didn't bother with teasing her or anything like that, just wrapped his lips around her clit and started licking like his life depended on it. Natasha planted her feet on the floor and thrust her hips up at him involuntarily, and he grabbed her ass with both hands, holding her up to his mouth as he ate her out.

"Oh fuck!" she gasped, tugging her fingers out of Clint 1's mouth so she could hold the rug in a death grip.

Sitting back on his heels, Clint 1 gripped his cock in one hand and stroked the other over her breasts. Through the haze of pleasure, Natasha could see his eyes locked on the other Clint's mouth on her pussy, and he groaned a little.

"Jesus, this is so hot," Clint 1 groaned. "I love how I look eating you out."

Clint 2 pushed his tongue inside of her, making her keen at the sensation, bucking against his mouth.

"C'mon, get up," said Clint 1, tugging at his double's hair. "My turn."

Clint 2 made a muffled noise that vibrated through her clit, making her gasp and jerk against his mouth. "Greedy asshole," Clint 1 muttered, and suddenly his face lit up with what was probably an intensely dirty idea. "Hang on. Tasha, stand up."

She forced herself to focus on him. "Stand up? What the hell for?" she asked.

He tugged Clint 2's hair again, this time succeeding in dislodging him from between her legs. "What the fuck?" Clint 2 complained, but when Clint 1 leaned down and whispered something in his ear, a naughty grin spread across his face.

They each grabbed an arm and hauled her upright, pulling her a little closer to the coffee table. "What the hell are you doing?" she grumbled; she'd been really close to what probably would've been a mind-blowing orgasm, and being interrupted like that made her rather grumpy.

Clint 1 dropped to his knees in front of her, and a glance over her shoulder told her that Clint 2 was doing the same behind her. With a wicked wink, Clint 1 picked up her leg and propped her foot on the table, holding her hips to steady her, and Natasha suddenly caught up with the program.

"Oh my god," she breathed, and a second later there were two mouths between her legs.

Clint 1's tongue curved around her clit, stroking it, Clint 2 went back to tonguefucking her, and Natasha made a concerted effort to commit every second of this to memory, because she would never, ever find better spank bank material.

When Clint 2's tongue suddenly disappeared, she whimpered in protest, but he set his teeth into the curve of her ass, making her jump a little at the slight pain. "Fucker," she muttered, and he let out a low, masculine laugh.

He grabbed her ass with both hands, spreading her open, and she let out a clipped shriek when his tongue teased at her asshole. She gripped the other Clint's hair tight, and he groaned against her clit, lapping at it with the flat of his tongue, and she didn't know which mouth she wanted to buck against more. Together, they worked her up until it felt like her whole body was a live wire, trembling with barely contained energy.

When Clint 2 pressed the tip of his tongue firmly against the pucker of her ass, that energy broke loose. Natasha was pretty sure she screamed, but she really couldn't focus on anything outside of the waves of intense pleasure wracking her body. The two Clints held her up with their hands and mouths, prolonging her orgasm until her legs gave out and she collapsed into a shivering, gasping heap in Clint 1's arms.

“Be back in a sec,” Clint 2 murmured, but she only half-heard him in her rather altered state.

He pulled her into his lap, stroking her back and making soothing noises, and she curled into the heat of his body, trying to catch her breath. His cock was hard and hot against her hip, and when her brain was back in functioning order, she lifted her face from where she'd buried it against his neck and grinned at him, wiggling a little in his lap. "You have a very creative imagination, Barton," she purred.

"That's why you love me," he replied, grinning back at her. "Well... both of me. This is really fucking weird, isn't it?"

"I'd say that we have to keep you out of the lab if you're going to keep doing shit like this," she said, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, "But really... I'm finding this mistake kind of entertaining."

"Kind of?" he said, mock-offended. "Well, if it's only _kind of_ entertaining, I'm going to have to try harder."

Laughing, she pushed him down onto his back and was just about to sink down onto his cock when the other Clint stuck his head out of the bedroom door. "Hey!" he exclaimed. "Nuh-uh. Get in here. You're not doing anything without me."

Clint 1 made a disgruntled noise but helped Natasha get to her feet. He made another, even more disgruntled noise when she left him on the floor, laughing as the other Clint grabbed her hand and pulled her into the bedroom. By the time Clint 1 got up and trotted into the room, Clint 2 had her on her hands and knees in the middle of the bed and was slowly pushing his cock into her.

"Hey, now who's getting started without everyone here?" Clint 1 griped.

Natasha arched her back, pushing back against Clint 2 until he was fully seated inside her, and she sighed at the delicious feel of his cock stretching her open. "Oh god, that's so good," she breathed.

Clint 2 rumbled a low moan in reply, leaning over her back and bracing one hand on the mattress so he could slide the other down her stomach and between her legs. He rolled his hips against hers, his cock gliding in and out, and his fingers teased her clit, making her shudder against his chest. "God, you're so wet," he murmured.

The bed dipped a little when Clint 1 climbed on, and he swept Natasha's hair to one side, pressing a kiss against her shoulder. "This is so sexy," he said, voice low and right in her ear. "I always knew I looked good fucking you."

Laughing, Natasha pushed against the Clint draped over her back, and he wrapped his arm around her waist, hauling her upright. Clint 1 crowded close to her, a smug little grin playing at his lips, and he cupped her breasts with both hands, teasing her nipples.

"Unh," Clint 2 groaned, pressing his face against the side of her neck. "That made her tighten up."

Clint 1 chuckled and kissed Natasha, his hands working her breasts until she was squirming on the other Clint's cock. When she broke away to gasp for breath, fingers digging into Clint 1's hips, he moved one hand from her breast to Clint 2's head, pulling him into a hot kiss over her shoulder.

That made Natasha tighten up again. They were so close that she could see their tongues sliding together, and she shivered between their bodies, wrapping one arm around the Clint in front's waist and reaching the other back to clutch at the Clint behind her's ass. One of them was moaning low in his throat; Clint 2 leaned into the kiss and snaked his arms around her to clutch at his double's sides, pumping in and out of her.

The other Clint hummed his pleasure and squeezed his free hand between his and Natasha's bodies, rubbing the blunt tips of his fingers against her clit. She gasped and arched her back, pressing her face against Clint 1's cheek.

And that turned into the two of them taking turns kissing her and each other until she couldn't tell who was kissing who anymore. "Oh god," she moaned against Clint 1's lips. "I want you to fuck him."

The breath caught in both of their throats and she smiled, tilting her head to kiss Clint 2. "You can't tell me you don't want to," she said. "And really, when are you ever going to get the chance to fuck yourself again?"

They both let out identical huffs of laughter, and then it was a shuffle of bodies shifting around, finding lube and condoms, figuring out the best position for Clint to fuck himself, and Natasha grinned at the ceiling as Clint 2 rolled her onto her back and shoved a pillow under her hips.

"What's so funny, Romanoff?" he said, smirking down at her.

"This is insane," she replied, laughing.

"But it's good insane," he said and pushed back inside of her.

Her breath left her on a low moan, but as she tried to wrap her legs around his waist, the other Clint caught her ankles. "Make some room for me," he said, grinning at her over Clint 2's shoulder.

She couldn't see what was happening, but Clint 1 pressed his mouth against Clint 2's shoulder, and Clint 2's eyes slammed shut, his mouth falling open and a choked sound escaping his throat. She could imagine what was going on, though, by the way he jerked inside of her, the way his body tensed, the way he shuddered and made soft, whimpering noises.

Tensing her legs, she arched up underneath him, taking his cock in deep and rubbing against his groin. "Ah, fuck," he groaned, jerking again at whatever Clint 1 was doing to him. "'m ready. Just do it."

Clint 1 sat back on his knees, out of Natasha's view for a moment, and she pushed herself up on her elbows to steal a kiss from Clint 2. He braced himself on his hands on either side of her, the muscles in his shoulders corded with the strain of holding himself up.

"Oh, Jesus fuck," Clint 2 gasped against her lips.

His arms gave out suddenly, and he pressed her down onto her back, his cock sinking in deep. Over his shoulder, she could see the other Clint leaning over his back, his eyes clenched shut and his bottom lip pulled between his teeth.

And then the other Clint started moving, which pushed Clint 2’s cock inside of her, and it all devolved into a writhing, thrusting mass of bodies. The Clint in the middle gasped and moaned, alternating between fucking down into Natasha and back onto the other Clint’s cock, and she knew he was going to lose control and lose it fast. As weird as the situation was, that obviously didn’t make it feel any less amazing for him. She could tell by the deepening crease between his brows, the way he sucked on his bottom lip, the tension drawing his shoulders tight, that he was going to come any minute.

Obviously Clint 1 could tell, too, because he stopped moving and carefully pulled out, leaving Clint 2 a whimpering mess on top of Natasha. “Not yet, big guy,” Clint 1 said, slapping his double on the ass (which translated into a nice little cock jerk inside Natasha). “There’s something else I think we should do before loads are blown.”

With a grin, he disappeared into the bathroom. Clint 2 pushed himself up onto his elbows, grinning an identical grin down at her. “Fuck me upside down,” he panted.

“I’m sure he would do that if you asked nicely,” she replied.

“God, that was amazing,” he said, choosing to ignore her pithy remark. “If they figure out how to put... well, me and me back together, we’re going to have to figure out how you and I can do this again.”

“They make dildos with suction cups on the base,” she said sensibly, laughing when he rolled them over so that she was straddling him. “We could stick it to the shower wall.”

That made him laugh, and the way she rolled her hips, squeezing his cock inside of her, made him groan. When the other Clint came out of the bathroom, she was riding him hard, well on her way to having another orgasm.

“Jesus, you assholes just couldn’t wait, could you?” Clint 1 teased, climbing onto the bed behind Natasha.

“Maybe if you’d move faster, you could join in the fun sooner,” Clint 2 retorted breathlessly, holding onto Natasha’s hips.

“Good things come to those who wait,” Clint 1 intoned solemnly, sliding his hands around to cup her breasts. “Well... I guess they’ll also come to those who don’t wait.”

“You’re rambling,” Natasha said, leaning back against his solid body and using it as leverage to bounce on the other Clint’s cock.

“Oh god, shut up, both of you,” Clint 2 groaned underneath her.

“But if I shut up, I can’t tell you my brilliant idea,” Clint 1 said, rolling her nipples between his fingers.

“Okay, tell us your brilliant idea and then shut up.”

He didn’t actually tell them anything, just took hold of Natasha’s hips and did a rather lewd pantomime of fucking her from behind.

“Oh Jesus yes,” Clint 2 moaned.

“Not your decision, cupcake,” Clint 1 said. “Tasha?”

Resting her head back on his shoulder, she grinned. “Do you mean you want to fuck my ass while he fucks my pussy?” she purred, chuckling when both Clints groaned a little.

“Well, that’s a crude way to put it, but yes,” Clint 1 replied, moving a little closer so he could rub his cock against the small of her back.

“There’s a delicate way to say ‘Hey, baby, can we DP you’?” Clint 2 said with a laugh.

“And do you ever try to be delicate?” Natasha added, grinning.

She would be lying if she said she hadn’t immediately thought of that the second that sex with two Clints became a possibility. They had done something like it before using toys, but the thought of having two cocks inside of her--both of them Clint’s--made her shiver with anticipation.

“Well,” she said, rolling her hips and letting out a little sigh of pleasure, “What the hell are you waiting for?”

Clint 1 practically fell off of the bed in his haste to get the lube and a condom, while Clint 2 pulled her back down against his chest, kissing her deeply. She sucked in a breath when Clint 1’s fingers, slick and cool with lube, brushed carefully in the cleft of her ass, and she sighed and consciously relaxed as he slowly worked them inside of her.

Clint 2 started a steady, gentle rhythm, rocking underneath her, and between the feel of his cock sliding in and out and the other Clint’s fingers slicking up and stretching out her ass, she wondered if she would actually survive this with her mental faculties intact.

Clint 1 pressed a trail of open-mouthed kisses from between her shoulder blades up her spine to her neck, working his fingers in and out, and she thought she might actually come just from this.

She was definitely not going to survive without losing her mind.

“You ready, beautiful?” Clint 1 murmured against her ear, his cock pressing insistently against her backside.

“Yes,” she breathed, turning her head to kiss him over her shoulder.

He sat back to put on the condom and Clint 2 stilled underneath her, running his hands up and down her back and whispering in her ear, telling her how sexy she was, how much he loved being inside of her, how he couldn’t wait to fill her up.

Clint 1 rested his hand on her hip, kissing her shoulder again, and then he was carefully pushing inside of her. To say it was intense would be the understatement of the century; he went very slowly and the other Clint stayed very still, and she was still gasping at the fullness, trying to convince her body that she could handle them both. It rode right on the line between pain and pleasure, and her body trembled even as she tried to relax.

Cupping her breasts in his hands, Clint 2 ran his lips along the line of her jaw, thumbs rubbing her nipples, and it was a really effective way to distract her. Clint 1 thrust in a little deeper and a gasp caught in her throat.

“Come on, sweetheart,” he murmured, stroking her back. “You can take it.”

She moaned in reply, clenching her eyes shut to try to parse all of the sensations overwhelming her body. When she relaxed again, he slowly and steadily pushed in until she could feel his groin against her ass, and she was so fucking full that she almost couldn’t stand it.

“Oh... fuck!” she gasped, hands fisting in the sheets on either side of Clint 2’s head.

“That’s right, baby,” he breathed, his cock throbbing a little inside of her. “Take us both in. Do you like this? Being filled up with our cocks?”

“Fuck... yes, oh fuck yes...”

They stayed still for a long moment, letting her adjust to their girth, and what girth it was. Clint was a well endowed guy, and taking both of them in felt like an accomplishment. She wondered if she could request a medal for this, and then she wondered with a giggle if this was what going crazy felt like.

“Did you just giggle?” Clint 1 asked incredulously, and Clint 2 chuckled underneath her.

“Don’t mind me,” she mumbled breathlessly. “Just losing my fucking mind.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” Clint 2 rumbled, carefully rocking his hips.

“Ohhh fuck,” Clint 1 growled, clutching her hips. “I can feel your cock moving inside her.”

He slid out slowly and back in, and then they were moving in tandem, two bodies sharing a mind, pulling back to leave her feeling shockingly empty before thrusting back in to fill her up again.

If the sensations alone weren’t enough to drive her crazy with pleasure, the thought that they were rubbing against each other’s cocks through the thin wall separating them sent her rocketing along the path to insanity. She quickly found herself pushing back onto them, fucking them harder and faster until they were a blur of movement and pleasure.

The extra fullness rubbed Clint 2’s cock firmly against her g-spot on every stroke, and the extra weight of the other Clint against her back pressed her clit against Clint 2’s groin. It was no time at all before she was teetering at the edge of what felt like it would be a mind-blowing orgasm.

“You gonna come for us, darlin’?” Clint 2 rumbled, his hands gliding up and down her slides.

“Wanna feel you come on our cocks,” Clint 1 groaned, holding onto the back of her neck as he fucked her.

Oh, it was right there, a blindingly bright release right at her fingertips, and when Clint 1 leaned down onto her back, trapping her between their bodies, she fell apart.

She thought she might have screamed his name (their names?), but she was well past the point of coherency. They both thrust in deep when she started coming, and she clenched down on both of their cocks, trying to buck her hips as they held her between them. It was good; it was beyond good, but she had run out of synonyms when she got to amazing, spectacular, earth-shattering. All she could do was hold onto the sheets for dear life and shudder against them.

The second her body went limp, collapsing down onto Clint 2’s chest, they both started fucking her again, rougher this time, rushing headlong toward their own orgasms. Now all she could do was hold on for dear life; she wanted to fuck them back, but her legs felt like they were made of rubber.

They both stiffened at the exact same moment, identical shouts of ecstasy wrenched from their throats, and though she could only see the face of the Clint below her, she knew they both wore the same gorgeous expression of pleasure so intense that it bordered on pain. Their cocks jerked exactly the same way, pulsing inside of her, and if she hadn’t been so utterly spent, she might have come again just from the way that felt.

The Clints shuddered one last time, and they collapsed in a sweaty heap of bodies, gasping for breath.

“That,” the Clint behind her panted, “Was the most awesome thing I have ever done.”

*****

They were in the kitchen, freshly showered and stuffing their faces (energetic sex really burns a lot of calories), when JARVIS did the AI equivalent of clearing his throat politely. “Miss Romanoff?” he said, and both Clints went still.

“What is it?” she asked, swallowing her mouthful of granola bar.

“Dr. Banner and Mr. Stark have asked you and the Misters Barton to come to the lab as soon as possible,” JARVIS replied.

“Did they figure out how to put us back together?” one of the Clints asked.

“I do not know that, sir.”

He scowled, but Natasha and the other Clint were already on their feet and halfway to the door, so he scrambled to catch up.

Bruce and Tony both looked rather uncomfortable, and Natasha wasn’t quite sure how to react to that. She felt like she should want to put Clint back into one body (Clint had been a single person for the last thirty-eight years, after all), but at the same time... Well, she felt a little guilty that she was kind of hoping to keep both of them around.

“Well?” Clint-on-the-right asked.

“Um,” Bruce said.

“Shit,” Clint-on-the-left sighed.

“Yeah,” Tony agreed.

Natasha covered her face with her hand. “What’s the bad news?” she mumbled.

Bruce cleared his throat. “Well, we’ve figured out how to recombine duplicated matter.”

That made her look up at him with her brow furrowed. “I’m sensing there’s a big ‘but’ on the end of that sentence,” she said.

“Well,” Bruce said, now looking extremely uncomfortable, “We tried it with the ham sandwich and...”

He motioned vaguely at a beaker full of sludge on a nearby table, and both Clints blanched.

“However, we did duplicate a few more things,” Tony said, taking the odd role as the optimist, “And we managed to recombine three of them without... you know. Sludging.”

“Three out of how many?” Clint-on-the-left demanded.

Tony coughed something that sounded like “five.”

“Okay, so between those five things and the ham sandwich,” Natasha said, rubbing at her temples. “There’s a fifty-fifty chance you’ll turn Clint into sludge if you try to recombine him?”

“Essentially,” Bruce said, looking very apologetic.

She looked at the Clints, and they looked back at her.

“Nope,” she said.

Bruce looked between her and them in surprise. “Um, Clint? Clints?” he said tentatively, wincing when Natasha glared at him.

“No, it’s cool,” Clint-on-the-right said. “She’s speaking for all of us.”

“If turning into a puddle of sludge is the bet, fifty-fifty odds just doesn’t do it for me. Us,” Clint-on-the-left added.

Tony pulled himself up to sit on the table next to the ham sandwich sludge. “So what? We’ll just have two Hawkeyes on the team now?” he asked. “Was the sex that good, Romanoff?”

“You’ll never find the video, Stark,” she replied evenly, ignoring his smirk.

“That’s what you think.”

“You won’t, because JARVIS likes me. Isn’t that right?”

JARVIS’s voice sounded awfully smug when he answered, “Indeed, Miss Romanoff.”

“I suppose having two expert marksmen would be helpful,” Bruce mused, dutifully looking for the bright side. “And we can keep trying to perfect the recombination sequence. Maybe we can get it to work with more time.”

“So how are we supposed to tell you two apart?” Tony asked, crossing his arms over his chest. “Tattoos on your foreheads?”

“Clint 1 and Clint 2?” Natasha suggested.

“Yeah, but which one of us is Clint 1?” Clint-on-the-right asked.

“Him,” she replied, pointing at the other one and biting back a grin when the first one scowled at her.

“No, we need something better than that,” Tony said as Bruce disappeared into the depths of the lab; he was apparently unconcerned with the Clint naming convention. “Oh, I know! One of you can grow a goatee. Unless that turns you into the evil alternate dimension Barton. If that’s the case, I’ll withdraw my suggestion.”

The Clints were bickering about who got which number, so Natasha pulled out the big guns. “One of you can be Clinton and the other can be Francis,” she suggested, plastering an innocent expression on her face.

“Bite your tongue,” Clint-on-the-left said.

“ _Francis_?” Tony said with a cackle.

“Shut the fuck up, Stark.”

*****

It was weird, yes, and it would probably end up being an enormous pain in her ass to have two Clints running around, lurking in the rafters and making smart-assed comments.

But as she lay sandwiched between them, wrapped up in their arms, she figured she could deal with that.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh dear god, I think I just spawned a series.


End file.
